What about you? Maybe you are reading this and have already gotten married (like me!), or maybe you're sitting there in complete denial about ever getting married (also like me). If you're not yet married, answer this: do you want to get married one day?
If you answered "yes" or "maybe", this next question is going to be a little harder: What does that mean? What is marriage?
And if you're reading this and you're already married - how's it going? What has been your approach to marriage?
Cultural Perspective:
Before we go into the biblical understanding of marriage, let's first look at our culture's understanding. I went to Wikipedia for this one so if you want to go deeper into the cultural history of marriage just head over there. "Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally and often legally recognized union between people called spouses. It establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws." Our culture typically views marriage in its legal sense - you get tax breaks, certain medical privileges (when it comes to decisions and whatnot), and in some cases even citizenship.
In America, most people see marriage as a couple's commitment to their personal love for one another. We don't typically have arranged marriages or political marriages like you might find in other parts of the globe. While it can be about gaining money or status (I'm thinking about gold-diggers here), usually we see it as a culmination of love. When you're "in love" with someone and they are "in love" with you, you get married. But if, somewhere down the line, one or both of you fall "out of love" with the other (and so you're no longer happy in the marriage), the next step is to get a divorce. After this you may find someone else to fall in love with, and you might start the whole process all over again - hopefully with better results.
Of course, there will be nuances to this depending on who you talk to, but this is the general mentality of modern, non-religious (and even many religious) Americans. This is what we see portrayed on TV, in movies, and in most modern novels.
This mentality stems from our country's pervasive emphasis on individualism. This is the idea that the "self" is most important. Statements like "you are unique", "you are special", "you do you", and "live your truth" all come from individualism. They put the "self" first, above everything else, so that you are always seeking out what is going to make you happy and bring you fulfillment. Consequently, anything that doesn't make you happy is not worth the effort so you should move on. Your marriage isn't making you happy anymore? Drop it. Your spouse isn't making you happy anymore? Find someone who will.
Its a strictly "me first" mentality, approaching marriage with a "what's in it for me" attitude.
Biblical Perspective:
For the Christian, this is an unacceptable mentality. This is not biblical marriage, and it is not at all what God instituted when He created Adam and Eve.
If you look back at previous posts, you'll see that we have been discussing biblical sexuality quite a bit, and I have brought back again and again that in the beginning God established the norm for marriage as being between and a man and woman. Sex is a good thing that God created, and it is supposed to be enjoyed within the context of the marriage relationship, exclusively. Throughout the Bible, whenever people have deviated from this norm, bad things happen as a result. Polygamy (multiple wives) causes drama, in-fighting, jealousy, idolatry, and favoritism. Adultery (sexual infidelity to your spouse) causes jealousy, fighting, and murder. Sexual promiscuity (sleeping around) causes sickness, depression, jealousy, and usually exploitation in one form or another. And in all these circumstances, the problems always extended beyond just the people involved. The problems affected their families, their children, their friends, their neighbors, and for those in power, entire countries.
Marriage is not meant to be taken lightly, and it is not meant to be distorted away from God's norm. When a man and woman come together in marriage, they unite to become "one flesh". Two people come together as one, so that they are no longer facing life individually, but as one united front. The language switches from "I will do this, she will do that" to "We will do this and we will do that". That's why Jesus said, in response to questions about divorce, "what God has brought together let not man separate".
Marriage, the way God intended it to be, is a direct contrast to modern individualism. Marriage takes individuals and melds them into a cohesive whole. Where individualism asks "What's in it for me?", marriage asks "What's in it for us?" Marriage is all about "we" - its about wholeness and unity between two people.
Ephesians 5:21-33
"21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
In this passage Paul talks about the attitudes and decisions necessary for a biblical marriage to work. We can't approach marriage the way our culture does and expect to have a healthy, vibrant and biblical marriage. We have to approach marriage God's way, so let's look at this together.
Verse 21 - this is an important precedent to the rest of the passage. We need to remember that in Christ we are all one and so we should all, as Christians, submit to one another as we submit to Christ. This goes for everyone in the church, regardless of gender.
Verse 22 - here Paul shifts to speaking directly into a marriage relationship. He calls for wives to submit to their husbands, but what does that mean? "Submit" means "to accept or yield to the will of another person". Within the marriage relationship God has established an hierarchy, that the man should be the head of the family. It is the man's responsibility to lead the family and the wife should submit to his leadership. They might discuss future plans, child-rearing strategies, or finances together, but ultimately it is the husband's responsibility to lead his family in those decisions. In the same way Jesus Christ leads the church and we submit to His leadership. We trust His leadership over us because of His great love for us, which brings us to the next section:
Verse 25 - husbands are to love their wives. I've talked about this in previous posts, but whenever the Bible mentions "love", we need to remember that it is not referring to that feeling of being "in love". Rather, biblical love is a choice, an action, to put others before the self (see how this is in contrast with individualism, which puts the self first?). The love that the husband is commanded to demonstrate is a choice he must make on a daily basis to put the needs of his wife and his children before his own. Let's remember that biblical leadership is servant leadership. It is not some authoritarian rule, where I get to issue commands and my family has to do what I say. Instead, it is a loving service where I put the needs of my family before my own needs, even if it would cost me my life. This is the same kind of loving service that led Jesus to the cross to die for our sins. He loved the church the same way that a husband is to love his wife. We submit to Jesus because of His love for us. Likewise, when a husband makes decisions and leads the family out of that kind of love for them, it becomes so much easier for them to submit to his leadership.
So what we see here is a cycle:
The husband loves his wife, and the wife submits to her husband. A biblical marriage centers around this cycle, and it functions well so long as both people are engaging in the cycle. If the husband stops loving his wife, it might not take long for her to stop submitting to her husband. Vice versa, if the wife stops submitting to her husband, it might not take long before the husband stops making decisions out of love for her. When the cycle gets broken, most people tend to revert to individualistic mentalities - "well, if they're not going to love me, then I'm not going to submit to them" or "I'll love her if she would just submit to me". When the cycle gets broken, that's a sign that the couple needs to have a conversation and return to the Word of God, to be reminded of God's commands for each of them in the marriage.
Now, where most of the protests come in is that we approach these verses from an individualistic perspective. Like the examples I just mentioned, we might say "Well, what if he isn't making decisions out of love for me?" Or, "What if she refuses to submit to me?" The thing is, we can't control other people, not even our spouse. We are responsible for our own actions and decisions, which means that regardless of the other person's involvement in the cycle, it is our responsibility to do our part. For me, whether my wife submits to my leadership or not, my responsibility is to love her. Even if I am not demonstrating love for her, her responsibility is to submit to me. And then we can open up conversations with the other person, with Scripture, about their part. This is probably going to be most fruitful with a trusted third party involved, like a pastor.
But what these questions really highlight is the importance of choosing the right partner. Who we choose to marry is going to have a huge impact on the quality of the marriage.
The Bible warns us against being "unequally yoked", and what that means for us is that we should be careful not to enter relationships with people who do not believe as we do. A non-Christian is simply not going to love you or submit to you the way the Bible commands them to. So when we choose to enter those relationships anyway because "he's so cute" or "I really like her", we are going to face challenges in those relationships because the cycle isn't going to be complete.
A biblical marriage, while difficult to achieve (because it takes both people working in mutual love and submission), but it promotes unity, love, stability, and spiritual growth. Children can be raised without fearing that their parents are going to split up. Some of our students have experienced that fear and seen it come to fruition, and it was hard. Broken marriages affect all the people around them. In a biblical marriage, both partners can feel comfort in knowing that the other is there for them no matter what, and it gives us a beautiful picture of the relationship between Christ and the church.
Application
Here is what I want you to do: observe.
Look at the relationships around you and figure out how the people in them are approaching those relationships. Are they coming at it from an individualistic, "me first" perspective? Is one person coming into it with their part of the cycle, but the other isn't? Do you see any relationships around you that have entered into this cycle?
Once you have observed, ask yourself this: are they both content? Is there stability? Are they finding fulfillment?
You probably won't be able to answer those questions because you can't see behind the scenes. But as you observe and think about it for yourself, what kind of marriage do you want to have? One where both people are fully supported and loved and cared for? Or one where both people are just trying to satisfy themselves and make themselves happy?
If you want to have a godly, biblical relationship and marriage, you need to be careful who you date and who you marry.
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