The First Commandment With a Promise

Raise your hand if you have, at one time or another, had parents.

Yup, that's what I thought. We've all had parents, otherwise we wouldn't be here. Last night we took a deep look at what the Bible has to say about our relationship with our parents. Some of you out there might have a great relationship with your parents, and I am sure that some of the rest of you are having a hard time remembering the last time you and your parents got along.

Before we jump into this, let me say this: you cannot control your parents' part in the relationship. They have a responsibility in raising you, and God has plenty of commands for them in doing that well. But you can't control that. Only they can. You can only control your part in the relationship, and that's what we're focusing on here.

Exodus 20:12, one of the 10 Commandments, says this: "Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." I don't know about you, but I don't use the word honor so much these days. This is why I am so glad the apostle Paul gives us some insight to this command in Ephesians 6:1-4: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' - which is the first commandment with a promise - 'so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.' Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

I included that last part because that happens to be my mom's favorite verse to quote. Know why? It only mentions fathers. It says nothing about mothers exasperating their children. She loves that technicality. Anyway, this is one of those verses focused on the parents, so let's back up.

Paul says to obey your parents in the Lord before quoting the commandment. I think he anticipated us asking what it means to honor our parents, so he clarified it for us. Basically, "to honor" means "to obey". It is that simple. If we want to obey this commandment from God, it means we have to obey our parents. I like cookies, but that is a tough cookie to swallow. Chew on that for a bit. God wants us, no, commands us to obey our parents. What happens if we don't? Well, it's right there - it won't go well with you and even if you do manage to live a long life, you won't enjoy it. In the book of Romans Paul gives us some context for the severity of breaking this command (not obeying our parents). Romans 1:28-32: "Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

This is an intense list of wickedness, and you notice something included in there? Disobeying parents is listed right alongside murder, slander, greed, and adultery (infidelity). And according to these verses, anyone who does any of these things deserves death - so we know God is serious when He commands us to obey our parents. According to the Bible (and there is no getting around this), Christians are commanded to obey their parents.

There's one more thing I want to highlight from Ephesians, and that is Paul's phrasing. He says to obey... in the Lord. We are called to obey our parents, however, God remains our first priority. What this means is that if at any point our parents (or any authority in our lives, for that matter) tell us to do something that goes against what God says is right (lie, steal, cheat, murder, etc.), obeying God comes before obeying our parents. Jesus said it this way in Luke 14:26: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even their own life - such a person cannot be my disciple." Before you go too far down the hate trail let me explain this real quick. While the word "hate" carries a sense of strong dislike and even malice in our use of it today, back then it meant "turn away from". So what Jesus is saying here is that if we are to follow Him, to be Christians, we have to turn away from our parents, our children (if we have any), our siblings, and even our own lives and turn toward Him. He has to be our number one priority, He has to come first, or else we are only deceiving ourselves into thinking we are Christians. A true Christian follows and obeys Christ first, and that's what Paul means when he says we are to obey our parents "in the Lord".

Alright, so, the other half of having a good relationship with our parents comes down to our communication. If you are sitting there reading this and you would say that you don't have a good relationship with your parents, ask yourself this: "How well do we communicate?" My guess is that it's not well at all.

Proverbs 1:8-9 says this: "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching. They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck." Proverbs is perhaps the largest collection of wisdom we have, and it has a lot to say about how to be wise and succeed in life. You want to know one of the main ingredients in getting wisdom? Listening. And right from the start the author talks about listening to your parents. Well, listening is also one of the key ingredients to good communication. James 1:19 puts it like this: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

If you want to have a better relationship with your parents, you MUST learn how to listen. And I don't mean just hearing the words that come out of their mouths, waiting for your chance to speak. I mean really listening. Hearing what they have to say and trying to understand where they are coming from. When you learn how to do this, to slow down and listen to what your parents are saying, it will radically change your relationship. As I said earlier, you can't control whether they will respond by listening to you, but just stopping and listening can prevent a lot of the arguing, anger, and slamming of doors that tends to happen in "conversations" with your parents.

So, from Scripture we have a very strong command to obey our parents, even when we don't want to or we'll miss out on something if we do. We also have advice on how to improve our communication with our parents, which is simply by listening first. Almost all of the tension between parents and children comes from a lack of good communication. If you can learn how to listen without being dismissive, I promise you your relationship will improve dramatically.

Sometimes the issues we have with our parents run deeper than a lack of communication or obedience. Sometimes there is serious hurt or trauma that has impacted the relationship you have with your parents, and in situations like this I advise you to seek out godly counsel. Find someone who can help you figure out what to do or how to go about repairing the relationship. I am here, if you need someone to talk to, as are the other youth group leaders. And even if what you're facing is beyond us, we can point you to someone who can help. Don't just give up and sit in a bad relationship with your parents, talk to God and look for help.

And finally, remember that every Christian has been adopted by God as His son or daughter. We are His children. So all of those things I said above, yeah, they apply to our relationship with God, too. What would happen in your life if you obeyed God, and listened to Him on a daily basis? I think some amazing things would happen. God bless.