Identity of Love

 Hey guys and gals! Welcome to another Summitable. Last night we played some real spicy UNO (we fixed the rules) and goodness, that's a LONG GAME. We ended up stopping it once one person went out rather than the usual "last one with cards loses". We all just wanted to go play 9-square. So we did! "Jumps McGee" just wanted to be in the air and didn't care if he hit the ball out, so he got out more than he should have. Ah well, as long as we all had fun, right?

The message last night was a break from our current "Devoted To..." series, as Sister Spatz brought a message on biblical friendships. As someone who has struggled with having healthy, biblical friendships since early childhood, she offered a great deal of insight to the issue as well as some practical advice for all of us on how to establish more biblical friendships and relationships with others.

As usual, she opened with some definitions.

Friendship: a relationship of mutual affection between people.

Relationship: the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other.

So we can see just from these definitions that a friendship is a type of relationship, and that relationships cover a broad range of interactions (good ones and bad ones) with people.

Christianity aside, we can probably all agree that relationships are hard. Think about your interactions with the people in your life: friends, family members, co-workers, classmates, teachers, etc. Isn't it hard sometimes to know how to act, what to say, or what to do in these relationships? Sometimes we make it hard, other times they make it hard.

For Christians, relationships are even harder. If you are not a Christian, and you don't get along with someone, the culture says to cut them out of your life (think about how our culture talks about toxic people). Christians, however, are called to love our enemies.

Matthew 5:43-45 - "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

Luke 6:27-36 - “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold it from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. [...] But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” 

We are commanded by our LORD and Savior to LOVE our enemies. Which is entirely counter-cultural. Normally, we hate our enemies and it is easy to do so because, you know, we hate them. Loving someone else, anyone else, is difficult. Especially when they are hostile, mean, or talk down to us. Our gut reaction is to strike back, to defend ourselves, to hit them where it hurts. But, as Christians, we're called to think beyond that. We are called to view them as God views them, His beloved creatures.

Now, this message is not centered on loving true enemies (like a burglar trying to kill us or something like that). No, this message is focused on dealing with those people who call themselves our friend, all the while tearing us down with their words, attitudes, and actions. Those "friends" we may have known since childhood but we recognize they are not good friends and they tend to tear us down instead of building us up. How do we obey God's command to love those who call themselves our friend yet choose to hurt us? The answer is twofold.

First, we need to understand and embrace our identity in God. After all, who are we in Christ?

Galatians 3:26 - "So in Christ Jesus, you are all children of God through faith." Through faith in Jesus, we are part of God's family.

Genesis 1:27 - "So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them." We are made in the image of God.

Colossians 3:12 - "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." God has chosen us as part of His family, He has set us apart as holy, and He loves us dearly.

Psalm 139:1-16 - “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue,  you, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light as you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one them came to be." God knew us before we were even born, and He knows us even better and more intimately than we know ourselves. He knows us to our very core, and still He loves us.

John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." God's love for us is so great He was willing to die for us - and He did, so that everyone who believes in Jesus could have life everlasting.

Matthew 10:29-31 - “Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows.” God places a very high value on us, and I said earlier, He knows us more than we even know ourselves. Not one person is worthless or unknown.

In Christ, we are children of God, loved completely, known intimately, valued and worth dying for.

The second part of obeying God's command to love our enemies is to actually stand on the foundation of our identity in Christ. This means placing a higher value on what God thinks of us than what anyone else thinks of us, including those close to us. Then, as we think about how God views us, we can also think about how God views others. John 3:16 informs us that God so loved the world that He died to save people. He loves and cares for everyone, even our enemies or our bad friends. He values them, too. And when we are confident in our identity in Christ, it allows us to see others the way God sees them, which makes it far easier to love them - because God loves them.

Now, as we begin to embrace our identity of love, we will still have struggles in our relationships with others because we aren't perfect people. We mess up, get frustrated, and lash out. So what can we do to help prevent this?

We set up boundaries. A good illustration for this is the circle of influence.

In the above illustration, you have yourself (and hopefully God) in the very center circle - that is you and your own control in your life. Then, within the next circle you have your close friends and family. The people you go to for advice and look to as an example. Then, outside of that you have your general friends and acquaintances, the people you know and interact with but don't usually go to for advice or look to as an example to follow. And then outside of all the circles is the rest of the world.

Usually, our problem is that we don't have these distinctions. There is only one circle - and everyone is in it, influencing us one way or another. Good friends and bad friends alike are given the power to influence us, and this will take a toll on our ability to stand in our identity in Christ and love others. There are just too many voices pulling us in too many directions. So, we need boundaries. Think through the people in your life. Who belongs in that very center circle? Who do you want in the inner circle, influencing you? Who needs to be distanced from you in the outer circle? And who needs to be removed completely?

It is important to remember that boundaries are not instinctual. We don't naturally just come up with healthy boundaries in the moment. Healthy boundaries in our relationships with others need to be made in advance. For example (this is Michael speaking), I know that the people in my alliance (in a mobile game I play) are not going to be a good influence on me, so I set the boundary for myself that I will not be influenced by them. I won't go to them for advice (unless it is game advice) or counsel. They aren't going to change my mind about something outside the game. My wife, on the other hand, is in my inner circle. She can influence me, she can change my mind, and I will go to her for advice (though not for the game, she doesn't play). We all need to make these distinctions with the people in our lives. Identify the trustworthy friends you can rely on to guide you through life, and let them into your inner circle. Identify the bad friends who will get you into trouble, and move them to the outer circle. This doesn't mean you stop being their friend, but it means you stop allowing them to have power over your decisions and life direction.

So, how does all of this (identity in Christ, loving our enemies, and setting boundaries) relate?

As Christians, we are called to love everyone we come across. This requires us to see them as God sees them. Loving someone doesn't mean letting them do whatever they want to do to us. Using the identity you have in Christ, set your boundaries of how you want to be treated, then defend those boundaries when someone crosses them. If a friend repeatedly throws your lunchbox in the trash after you have asked them to not do that, then it is time to step away from that "friend". This doesn't require violence, angry words, or spreading rumors, it just means moving them to your outer circle. Also, think about your part in the friendship. Are you showing them the same love, kindness, and appreciation that you want them to show you? Regardless if they treat you right, your part in "loving those who persecute you" is to treat others the way God wants them to be treated - with love.

This is a lot to think about. As you think about these things, go back and reread the verses above. Memorize them. Know them. Rely on them. In fact, go into the Bible and find more - there are so many verses talking about how much God loves and cares for us. Read them and know who you are to God. You are loved.

Then, think through your relationships. What boundaries need to be set? Who needs to be moved to a different circle? Perhaps more importantly, what circles need to be established?

And finally, in all of this, in every situation, pray. Talk to God. He loves you and He is listening, so as you struggle to know who you are, who He is, and how to love others, talk to Him about it.